(A long read that promises to be worth your while.)

Like I always say, before critiquing or talking about any issue, read the story fully, not the headline. So, firstly, before I talk about MY opinion, let me explain the case as it really is, or as reported by the media, Daily Post Nigeria as a case study. There was a time they were selling Jamb Scratch Cards for Jamb registration, but now, this year particularly, the candidate pays at the center, who in return pays directly to JAMB account via their account to get the required pin.

So, since the whole selling of scratch cards thingy has been reformed and stopped, a team of auditors was sent to different states to account for the moneth that has been earlier generated or mismanaged from selling JAMB scratch cards. On getting to Makurdi, Philomina Chiesie said she couldn't account for the money she made in those years, approximately 36million naira. According to her, her house maid and a fellow JAMB worker, Joan confessed to stealing the money "spiritually". Are we still following? The story starts getting interesting here.

According to her, she has been saving the money in a bank account, but found it difficult to account for it, so she decided to start saving it in a vault inside her office. However, while she was saving the money in the vault, the money kept disappearing. She said, "Each time I open the vault, I will find nothing". So, she became worried about how money kept on disappearing from her office "savings account" and decided to investigate. It was during her investigation at home and in the office that her housemaid confessed that the money is being stolen "spiritually". Apparently, the maid connived with Joan, a fellow worker, and would occasionally send a mysterious snake to the vault, to steal the money.

I wanted to laugh, really, but then, I realised that this is not a situation to laugh at. We play too much in this country, and in the process, we are being played too. This is the peak of stupid reports I've come across in my whole life. I mean, this is heartbreaking and devastating. That somebody would come out and say this weird thing to the press, as an answer to her investigation, says a lot about why Nigeria would rightly be considered a shithole. Soon, this issue will die down, and #36million naira would have rested in peace in a mysterious snake's stomach.

Let us assume that the snake part was even true, I still have found enough fault in this report to consider this nonsensical statement by this Philomina woman, a total lie. Let me bring you in on those faults.

First. She started saving money in a vault because it was difficult for her to account for the one she has been saving in her account. No, wait, really? Not thousands of naira, millions of naira is what we're talking about here. So, to keep track of debit alerts is harder than keeping track of the cash in her vault. Interesting. Again, since she was already keeping it in her account before deciding to keep the cash in her vault, did she withdraw the ones in her account to join the ones in her vault?, because I don't understand how come it's all the money she made that cannot be accounted for.

Second. As opposed to what people think and with reference to her report, it wasn't a one-time thing. She would always find the vault empty anytime she opened it. My dear Nigerians, tell me how possible it is, to continue putting money somewhere, despite meeting it empty. Apparently, Mrs JAMB worker continued keeping the money desite not finding it there every time, till it became #36million naira.

Third. Where exactly is the vault? In her house or in her office? Or is her office inside her house? Because, I don't understand. She was looking for money inside a vault inside HER OFFICE and she went HOME to question her maid. Who sees that twist? I'm sure I can't be the only one.

Fourth. She investigated and in her mind now, that stupid story she came up with is the result of her investigation. I won't be surprised if that maid openly confesses, she's a MAID after all. So, after the confession, she didn't say anything o, until they came to ask for the money. Really?

Fifth. Mysterious snake? It's like eventually, all the Nollywood shit we saw in the past came to play in real life. Money Swallowing Snake. Lol. I never expererit. Was the vault locked or left open? Abi the snake swallowed the whole vault? In the end of everything, she now said, "it is a mystery to me too". Lol. Mummy, you are a mystery to us too.

But then, are we kidding us? How come the money accumulated up till #36million before they asked for it. Not a year's money o, a couple of years. How in the freaking world? If not disorganisation and annoying hell. Is all these fiction? It better be fiction because everything just doesn't make sense. I won't be surprised if it's all made up, I mean starting from the very beginning.

So, somebody sat down somewhere and imagined how mumuish we can be, and decided to feed us this story, this scripted story that cannot even make Nollywood screening. That you kept money somewhere, and somebody spiritually stole it? With the help of a snake? That swallowed the money? Supposedly LOCKED inside a vault? Day by Day? I feel insulted. Our intelligence as a country is being insulted, and we can but only watch. Benue people, is that how you use to do? Is that how snake use to swallow money in your land? Animals have finish for it to swallow, people gan have finish for it to swallow? May I not be posted to your land for NYSC o.

EFCC is now on the matter, who is excited? Definitely not me. How many matters are they on? How many matters have they successfully resolved? Abeg, let LAWMA carry shit jare.

I don't want to talk again, biko. I'm so annoyed right now. I wish I could talk to this woman, I wish I could ask direct questions, different questions in my head. Nigerians will not talk now o, all they'll be doing is funny tweets and savage replies about this issue. But do I blame them? Someone cannot be serious in this country full of shit. No o, we ain't shitholes, we only have a sudden improvement about snakes swallowing money in vaults, as if people dying in the place of cows is not enough tragedy. Please, let me stop here, it's not like I'm being paid.

Nonsense and snake!!!

PS. Don't just like and comment. Please, share. Thank you. And please, if you know any snake that has the ability of swallowing and delivering money, please contact me. Let's spiritually do some deals. I'm broke.

Written by : Akindele Oyinlola Dorcas

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